2006-11-03

I awoke feeling quite sick and felt that the sickness was coming from the pain medication rather than the hospital test. I discontinued the pain medication. That put me pretty much down for the day, as the pain was severe. I gratefully hugged my hotpad to me and murmured to Annsy, my magical doll, all my shadowy woes, all the childish thoughts that go with experiencing pain. Why me? Why now?

Of course, I know why me and why now. The Ra group explained it 25 years ago. And it is still true of me, although I am certainly a weak reed. I have a purity of intention. I want to serve with every fibre of my being. And by that firm intention I am serving. It is not that what I actually get done is so great! I have been really slowed by this illness. I am still on Chapter Two!!! Ack! And yet I know all is well. Because it is the intention that shines through everything and makes me strong as a lion, in my heart and soul.

I know that my Redeemer lives. I adore that figure in my life whom I first met in my childhood’s Magic Kingdom, the place I could go by focusing the sun’s rays on my little glasses. I could slide out on that ray of light and there I would be, in the place where animals and plants could talk, where faeries of all sizes and functions were and where Jesus waited for me. He never spoke to me but only looked into my eyes and I knew what true love is.

He may not be real in worldly terms. Or he may be far different; more like the dogmatic sects say He is. I have no desire to debate that. But in my heart, my Jesus, companion of my tenderest years and hopes, reigns supreme. That is such strong comfort I cannot be sad for long no matter what my circumstances.

Armed with that firm faith that all is well, I bade St. James and St. Gary farewell for their power mowing day and snugged myself up in the living room to rest and snooze, read and watch TV, all of which I did throughout the day. I had an appointment at Dr. June’s lab for a blood test and also to see her. Jim was waiting for me when I got out of the appointment, and what a lovely surprise that was! I did not have to keep focused to brave the traffic on the way home. Gary had dropped him off at the doctor’s – Jim had hoped to drive me to the appointment himself, but his last two customers both needed to talk with him about their lawns and gardens.

Each customer has his or her own routine for winterizing. More and more, Jim is involved in their planning, as he is incredibly handy with “honey-do” projects like gutter cleaning and ousting out the contents of the odd closet or basement and restoring order.

Back home, I went back to my semi-bed status most happily and enjoyed the company of the house for a sweet and healing evening. After the Gaia Meditation, Jim and I came upstairs for a snuggle, saying good night around 11 PM.